Painful, joyful road leads to adoption

By Diane Cochran - 11/02/2008

Casey Riffe / The Billings Gazette Denis Pitman takes a bite of apple from his adopted son Ryan, 2, as they sit in the family's living room with Diandra, 8, and her biological sister, Emily, 4, far left. Denis and his wife Paula adopted Emily during a ceremony Saturday.

BILLINGS — Emily Pitman's bed is piled so high with stuffed animals that her tiny 4-year-old frame couldn't possibly fit anywhere on it, not even for a quick nap.

Someday, the toys will be cleared away. But they can stay put for now because Emily spends each night in bed with her parents, Paula and Denis Pitman.

"At first, she slept on top of me when she came back," Paula said. "Now she sleeps beside me, but she has to have some part of her touching me." Emily was 5 months old when the state Child and Family Services department placed her with the Pitmans, who are licensed foster parents and had already adopted Emily's biological sister.

Three years later, after the girls' biological mother had given up her parental rights, a court awarded custody of Emily to her biological father.

The father took her from the Pitman's Heights home to northwestern Montana, but within days, he called the Pitmans because Emily was upset and wanted to come home.

For three months in late 2007, the girl was passed back and forth between the families, with the Pitmans driving more than 700 miles round-trip to collect her each time her biological father asked for help.

Then he died.

And because a signature was missing in her custody file, Emily was technically still a ward of the state.

Ten months and a ream of paperwork later, the Pitmans are adopting the child they have considered to be their daughter for the past four years.

"It's been such a roller coaster for them," said District Judge Russell Fagg, who presided over Emily's custody case and finalized her adoption in a ceremony Saturday at the Mansfield Health Education Center.

"Now the sisters can be together forever," Paula said, "and not worry about — '' Diandra Pitman, Emily's 8-year-old biological half-sister, cut her off.

" — someone getting in the middle and taking somebody away," Diandra said.

Diandra was three months shy of her second birthday when the state placed her with the Pitmans, who became licensed foster parents in 1994.

Denis is a city councilman, and Paula runs a day care. Their eldest child is Paula's biological son, Pat, who is in college. They also have a 2-year-old son, Ryan, whom they adopted as an infant, and three foster children who have been living with them since 2005.

Diandra was taken into state custody because her biological mother was using methamphetamine, the Pitmans said.

Her mother later relinquished her parental rights, as did her biological father, and the Pitmans adopted her in 2003.

She was 4 years old when she found out that she had a sister.

A state social worker delivered the news to Denis in a telephone call. Diandra's biological mother had been arrested and confessed to authorities that she'd had another baby.

If family services could locate the infant, would the Pitmans take her in as a foster child?

Absolutely, Denis said.

Soon after Emily arrived, she became dangerously ill with respiratory syncytial virus, or RSV, and rotavirus, two diseases that can be fatal in infants.

Paula all but lived in the hospital with her for two weeks, an experience that cemented their mother-daughter bond.

During the next three years, Emily's biological father surfaced and began taking steps to gain custody of her.

As with Diandra, Emily's biological mother eventually gave up her rights to raise the girl. When she did, she asked the court to place Emily with the Pitmans so she could grow up alongside Diandra.

At hearing after hearing in Fagg's courtroom, the Pitmans begged to adopt Emily.

But the judge's hands were tied. State law requires courts to reunite children with their biological families if at all possible.

"First pick is the parents, if they can do it," said Laura Taffs, an officer for the state Child and Family Services adoption program. "Second pick is kin." Most of the 1,800 children who are in the state foster care system at any given time ultimately go back to their biological parents, Taffs said.

"If they can't go home, we try to place them with a relative as soon as possible," she said. "What we hope is if the parents can't come through, those relatives might be able to adopt so the kids can stay in the family." About 250 children are adopted out of foster care in Montana every year.

After Fagg awarded custody to Emily's biological father, the Pitmans did what they could to prepare her for the change.

"If you can imagine the worst day in your life, this was 10 times as bad," Denis said. "This was worse than the death of a child because we knew she was not going to a safe place." As they packed up her belongings and typed out a cheat sheet of her medical history, they hauled out the video camera and captured their grief on tape.

"What we were afraid of was that she'd think we didn't want her," Denis said. "She couldn't understand why we were letting her go." It didn't take long for Emily's biological father to call from northwestern Montana. Emily was inconsolable, he said. Would the Pitmans come?

They did, several times. Each time they left Emily, she had to be pried, sobbing, from Paula's arms.

She was with the Pitmans in Billings on New Year's Eve when they heard from her biological father for the last time. He sent a text message that read, "Happy New Year!" A few days later, the Pitmans said, word came that he had died from a drug overdose.

Because of the missing signature in the custody file, Emily stayed with the Pitmans as a foster child instead of being sent to another biological relative.

After the state determined that no one else in her biological family was able or willing to take Emily in, the Pitmans were allowed to begin adoption proceedings.

When parents or relatives cannot raise children, Child and Family Services tries to maintain a family connection by placing sisters and brothers together in foster and adoptive homes.

"We really appreciate it when families adopt sibling groups so siblings can grow up together," Taffs said. "It gives them a more solid sense of continuity with their personal history." Even though it was their fourth adoption — Denis adopted Pat, Paula's biological son — the Pitmans completed a series of home visits and classes before the state signed off on Emily.

"She keeps telling me, ‘Now you're going to be my forever mommy,' " Paula said. "I tell her, ‘You have always been my forever baby.' " Fagg, the judge who completed Diandra's adoption and presided over Emily's custody case, will also finalize her adoption.

"The Pitmans exemplify what is really working in our foster-adopt system," he said. "They are a tremendous blessing to these little girls.

"I think there will be a special place in heaven for people like the Pitmans who take on other people's children and give them great love." Reporter Diane Cochran writes for The Billings Gazette.