Playoff bound Lions, Santa Claus and Elvis

By Jerry Greene - 10/12/2008

Elvis, Santa and Detroit Lions?

All of us have things we believe that others consider mere fantasies — such as Elvis still lives and is a security guard at the Orlando Museum of Art, or Santa still can come down chimneys despite being seriously overweight, or strangest of all, the 0-4 Detroit Lions still have a shot at the playoffs. "It's happened before," receiver Roy Williams said. "It happened with the ‘92 Chargers. It doesn't happen often, but it does happen." Hey, Roy, I just checked with Elvis and Santa. They say you've got no shot.

Carolina (4-1)

at Tampa Bay (3-2)

Whether trying to choose a quarterback or evaluating the enemy, Bucs Coach Jon Gruden can be funny. This from Gruden about the Carolina defense: "I had to turn the film off and go for a walk. I got a little nervous, you know what I mean?" Actually, no, I don't know what you mean. Do you think the Panthers' defenders are going to rush the sidelines and take you out? More likely they will be waiting to terrorize your QB — as soon as you spin the Gruden Wheel of Fortune to pick one.

LINE: Bucs by 1˝.

JERRY: Panthers by 3

Jacksonville (2-3)

at Denver (4-1)

The Broncos are bizarre. Their first home victory was by one point over San Diego, their next home victory was by two points over New Orleans and their last home victory was by three points over Tampa Bay. There may be a pattern here.

LINE: Broncos by 3˝.

JERRY: Broncos by 4

Baltimore (2-2) at Indianapolis (2-2)

The Ravens will hurt you. Terrell Suggs was penalized for cleaning the clock of Titans QB Kerry Collins. Said Suggs: "We are the bad boys of football. I think the referee probably wanted to feel important." Hey, they are bad and don't know when to shut up, too.

LINE: Colts by 4.

JERRY: Ravens by 4

Chicago (3-2) at Atlanta (3-2)

The Bears suspended former Pro Bowl DT Tommie Harris last week although nobody is saying why. This week, Tommie says: "I carry a lot of stuff. Just pray for me." Well, we can relate to that, right? Who doesn't carry a lot of stuff? But is it good stuff?

LINE: Bears by 3.

JERRY: Falcons by 1

Cincinnati (0-5) at

E. Rutherford Jets (2-2)

Bengals LB Darryl Blackstock has been suspended four games for taking a naughty substance. Said Darryl: "I didn't realize I was taking an over-the-counter product that included a banned substance." I knew something was funny about Coke Zero!

LINE: Jets by 7˝.

JERRY: Jets by 9

Oakland (1-3)

at New Orleans (2-3)

Hey, Al Davis, what's up? "We'll get back; we'll be back. The Raiders will be back. And I just know that the fire that burns brightest in this building is the will to win, and we will win." Thanks, Al. Uh, your nurse is here. And about that burning fire — that's just indigestion.

LINE: Saints by 7.

JERRY: Saints by 11

Detroit (0-4)

at Minnesota (2-3)

OK, here's another nut. Lions WR Mike Furrey: "You guys might laugh at this, but we've still got 12 games left, and our division is not that strong. It's not like we're out of it." What are they putting in the food up there? Dude, you are most assuredly out of it.

LINE: Vikes by 13.

JERRY: Vikes by 15

Miami (2-2) at Houston (0-4)

No denying it seemed more likely the Earth would lose orbit and plunge into the sun before the Dolphins would beat last year's AFC Championship players New England and San Diego belly-to-belly. But listen to WR Greg Camarillo: "We have arrived. Other teams would doubt us before. Now they have to prepare to play a great team. We're ready to play anybody." Greg, you don't flaunt it like that, buddy, at 2-2. You're playing a winless team that's going to bring you down, pal.

LINE: Texans by 3.

JERRY: Texans by 6

St. Louis (0-4)

at Washington (4-1)

Rams QB Marc Bulger is back, reinstalled as the sacrificial starter by new coach Jim Haslett. Said Marc: "We honestly still think we do have a chance in the division. Believe it or not." Hey, Marc, you been drinking with any wide receivers from Detroit?

LINE: Redskins by 13˝.

JERRY: ‘Skins by 21

Dallas (4-1) at Arizona (3-2)

Hey, it's the Emmitt Smith Bowl! Remember how we admired him when we never could hear him speak? Here's my favorite Emmittism: "The one thing that derail a team is a thing called the injury bugs." I hate injury bugs! They're worse than roaches.

LINE: Cowboys by 5.

JERRY: Cowboys by 3

Green Bay (2-3) at

Seattle (1-3)

Seaturkeys LB Leroy Hill tells it like it is: "You have to walk with a swagger and play with a swagger. Right now, we are not playing with our swagger." He's right. A man without swagger is a man without hope.

LINE: Seaturkeys by 2.

JERRY: Cheeseheads by 5

Philadelphia (2-3)

at San Francisco (2-3)

You get the feeling Eagles RB Brian Westbrook is just going to fall apart one of these days? Brian: "It's tough to get sleep. When you have (two) broken ribs and you sneeze, turn, twist, make a sudden move, it's sore." Hey, if sneezing hurts, maybe it's time to lie down.

LINE: Eagles by 4˝.

JERRY: Eagles by 3

New England (3-1) at San Diego (2-3)

The Patsies spent the week on the Left Coast. So did they bond? QB Matt Cassel: "Team bonding? I don't know if we are going to get in a circle and sing ‘Kumbaya' or anything like that." I'd pay big bucks to see Bill Belichick lead that chorus.

LINE: Chargers by 5.

JERRY: Chargers by 2

Monday night

E. Rutherford Giants (4-0)

at Cleveland (1-3)

Here's Brownie WR Braylon Edwards on the MNF big stage: "Expectations are down and people don't have any hope, which is fine with us." Hey, that's the spirit, Braylon.

LINE: Giants by 7˝.

JERRY: Giants by 14

Last week

You know, I kind of get where the Detroit Lions are coming from. Things may look bad, but it's not over, and there are signs of improvement. At least I was above .500 on Week 5 at 8-6 straight up (44-30 for season). And I was a brilliant 10-2-2 against the spread to get above .500 there (36-35-3 for season), so I actually feel better about myself, if not better about the Detroit Lions. Granted, that 8-6 effort was beaten by 42 percent of the 2,087 "Beat Jerry" players, but I did whip more than half of you, so there.

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