Letting go: Parents’ thrill of sending child off to college tempered by loss

By Eileen Putnam Associated Press Writer - 09/03/2007

Freshmen Sarah Sullivan, center front, and Lindsey Kalber, left rear, get help from their parents as they move into their dorm rooms on the first floor of Virginia Tech’s West Ambler-Johnson dormitory in Blacksburg, Va. AP Photo

‘‘You know what to do if you’re caught in a rip current, right?’’ I ask anxiously, wanting to impart this last bit of knowledge to my son before he leaves us — and his childhood — behind.

We sat on a beach in the Florida Keys, a last family vacation before he headed off to college, joining a projected 18 million students at campuses this fall. My riptide worries, a metaphor for my jitters over that life-changing milestone, provoked a sigh.

‘‘Yeah,’’ he said wearily. ‘‘You tell me every time we come here.’’

Doubts over how well we’ve prepared a child for life’s tough currents are a common affliction of parents sending a student off to college. Just as common is the advice aimed our way: Let go.

It’s a message colleges stress — every chance they get. The dreaded ‘‘helicopter’’ parent who drops in to fix problems is the focus of orientation workshops. Topping schools’ recommended reading for parents are books about letting go, prominently displayed in campus bookstores on move-in and orientation days.

At a time when parents are proud and thrilled their child is taking this big step, they’re told to step back. The thrill is tempered by sadness. Their job — a big part of it, anyhow — is over.

‘‘It’s a loss. It’s the end of the chapter of your life with that child. ... You don’t get any more do-overs,’’ said Dr. Andrea VanSteenhouse, a psychologist and author of ‘‘Empty Nest ... Full Heart: The Journey from Home to College’’ (Simpler Life Press, 2002), a book high on colleges’ suggested reading lists.

Besides loss, there’s worry. When children live elsewhere, parents don’t know what they’re doing or even whether they’re OK. Schools try to create a safe environment, but their efforts can’t match a parent’s vigilance.

‘‘Parents really do have their children’s best interests at heart but sometimes, out of the desire to be helpful, get in the way of their child becoming independent,’’ said Karen Levin Coburn, associate dean for freshman transition at Washington University in St. Louis and author of ‘‘Letting Go: A Parents’ Guide to Understanding the College Years’’ (HarperCollins, 2003).

Like many schools, James Madison University, in Harrisonburg, Va., where my son is attending, warns parents not to ‘‘helicopter’’ in to fix problems because it robs students of the chance to learn problem-solving skills.

Parents know they can’t teach children all they need to cope with whatever college — or life — throws their way. They know they must give children freedom to become adults. But it’s not easy.

‘‘Some feel an emptiness when they realize just how much that child filled up their lives,’’ said VanSteenhouse.

Sending a child off into the world gives parents the opportunity to re-evaluate their marriage, friendships and other relationships — which experts say is a good thing.

Let go gently, deliberately Some coping tips for parents sending a child off to college for the first time: